Bad Mom Syndrome

Ok fine. I wanted to be all organized with my blog this year, post great book reviews, author interviews and be relevant to you as readers. Fact of the matter is, I just keep thinking about post topics that are more like diary entries. My life ... my struggles. And, who wants to read that?

But, in case you do ... LOL!

Today it's the attack of the Bad Mom Syndrome. See, for those of you who don't know, I have Lyme disease. Which, in and of itself, sounds to this Midwesterner like an excuse. Because, isn't that what silent, autoimmune diseases sort of pro-create as? Invisible maladies? And Lyme? It's from a stinkin' tick, people. So here. Take your meds, eat this apple, call your doc, and get back to work. The problem is--get ready here for my non-scientific explanation--sometimes you catch Lyme too late and then it mimics a motley-crew of Lupus, MS, and other assorted neurological issues that make me a walking grenade of health issues. With the pin pulled. So it's gonna go off, it's just a matter of when.

For me, Lyme thankfully hasn't manifested itself in the achy-breaky joint point and arthritic elements. Mine is mostly neurological and nervous system. Which means tremors often like a Parkinson's patient, non-epileptic seizures which means for the most part, involuntary jerking and twitching, disconnected brain "fog". (Picture the worst day of the flu and yet necessity makes you have to function at full gear). And, anxiety and depression.

The latter is why I'm having Bad Mom Syndrome today. First, anxiety and depression aren't a result of having Lyme. In other words, I don't get anxious about having Lyme and I'm not depressed because I'm tired of fighting Lyme, etc. No. Lyme literally messes with the brain's ability to process chemically, hormonal, etc. and therefore I can have a day where I'll look at the carpet and literally go to pieces over why it's beige and not white. Did we make a mistake putting in beige? What if we ever try to sell the house and the potential buyers want white? Will we lose the sale? And if we lose the sale, then what if we don't have enough equity built up to pay for the remaining mortgage? Then we'll go bankrupt, and how would our kids ever go to school, to college, they'll be in cardboard boxes and it'll be all my fault for picking beige carpeting!!! Basic day to day decisions often equate to life-altering and even ending consequences to me. Decisions are like Kryptonite to this Lyme patient.

Sound funny? Irrational? Yeah. But that's Lyme anxiety for ya. And what's worse, is I can totally SEE the logic and the irrationality. Which compounds the problem. Why am I upset about carpet coloring? If your kids are going to be rendered homeless because you put in beige carpeting, then the world is pretty much Apocalyptic which means there're a lot worse things to worry about. And, why are you worried? It's obviously a way over the top scenario? Which means you're overreacting and reaching too far. Failures overreact. You can see this is a problem. So stop it. No? You can't stop it? Well, look at you failure, you. And .... cue Bad Mom Syndrome.

See. My kids pick up on these cues. I'm supposed to teach them life coping skills. I'm their mother. They don't need to FIX my problems, and yet, sometimes it's my 9 yr. old daughter going to get daddy to help momma get her medicine so she can stop twitching and crying.

What type of coping skills am I teaching her? PANIC when it's scary?

This is one huge reason why I wrote "The Curse of Misty Wayfair". Anxiety and mental illness is a journey and there's no clear answer. Just a lot of stigma, self-blame, and repercussions. No matter what any one tells me, I know how psychology works. My kids WILL adopt some of my reactionary instincts. They can learn how to work through those, but it makes me sad they have to at all. Unfortunately, we often parrot the parts of our parents that we wish we didn't.

So days like today, I have to remember to read the words I penned. Identity isn't looking inside of myself to discover me. I've discovered me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. That search is over and unfulfilling. So, I need to search after my Creator. Not insinuating my faith is weak and things will get better. No. He's just the IV that will keep me functioning. Because nothing happens without a reason, and in the end, He'll help my kids craft their identity in Him too. So thank God, it doesn't all rest on my weak shoulders. Cause we all know, if it did, this world would be a much worse place.

May we seek our Creator today and draw deep the breath of life that He offers. I'm not in love with myself. I care about my mental health, my physical health, and so on, but I'll never be in love with myself. I don't think I should be. I will be in love with the Creator who can take something broken and piece it back together again, making it usable, even lovable, and definitely, functional.

That's how it works in Bad Mom Syndrome. Stop the introspection and look outward, toward the Creator who first imagined you before you were even a speck in your mother's mind.